Technology offers a wonderful opportunity for our kids/teens. Our kids have access to some power-house leaders and role models that use their social media influence to encourage, challenge and point our kids to positive, life-giving content. It allows our kids to stay connected to friends. They get access to educational content. So much is right at their fingertips.
The quality control side of technology can hold some concern however, for parents. And, rightly so. Cyber-bullying, child-predators, sexually explicit content and other things that they are not yet equipped emotionally or psychologically to handle can be in front of their eyes in just one click.
According to Guard Child’s website, 67% of teens admitted that they know how to hide what they do online from their parents. 43% of teens say they’d change their online behavior if they knew their parents were watching.
Our oldest came home years ago, after attending a student group at our church and indicated that the whole group had shared contact information. They were all texting during the week with prayer requests, Bible verses and encouragement. We knew we did not want our child to miss out on these benefits, so it was time for us to embrace this new season.
We would never think about giving our child the keys to our car and sending them off to drive without first teaching them safety for themselves and others. Likewise, they should not be handed the keys to the internet and technology without us first teaching them how to be safe.
While there is not a one-size-fits all strategy for parenting in a high-tech world, I will include some of the things we implemented in our home as we embarked in our new ‘digital’ season, in case any of them may be a good fit for your family.
Once you share something digitally, it exists forever.
There are so many stories of people who were denied admittance into the top college choice, or denied an interview or even denied a job because of something they posted online when they were younger.
There is a simple and effective way to help your child understand this concept. You need yourself, one other person with a phone and your child, also with a phone.
- Give your child 2 cards and the directions to turn over card #1, follow the directions and then turn over card #2.
- Card #1: ‘take a silly selfie and text it to mom/dad’.
- Card #2: ‘send a text message to (you) that says ‘oh no, I didn’t mean to send that to you I need you to delete it.’
- As soon as you receive the selfie, immediately forward to the third person in the room.
- When the 2nd text comes through saying to ‘delete’ – go ahead and delete.
- Show your child, your phone, with the deleted selfie.
- Have the 3rd person, show their phone, that HAS THE SELFIE.
In just ONE MINUTE, the amount of time for your child to realize they should not have sent the text, it has already been shared with someone else. The main message: do not send anything that you do not want everyone to exist forever and for everyone to see, including your parents, teacher, future boss, etc.
When the time comes, for kids to have access to social media, the time has also come for conversations about cyberbullying, cyber predators, exposure to sexual content & sexting.
Initial conversations about WHY internet/social media safety is important are critical. The second step then after the importance of being ‘safe’ has been explained, is to outline expectations. We had a conversation and used a physical contract. It helped us more than we initially considered to be able to go back and refer the agreement that had been signed.
Here were some of our expectations. (Once again, not a one-size-fits all, so you will have to decide what is the wisest/best thing for your child and family.)
- Phones are to be used in public areas of our home, not in bedrooms or behind closed doors.
- Phones charge overnight in a common area (parents bedroom, kitchen, etc)
- Device belongs to the person who pays for it. We can access at anytime. (There are great conversations that arise when you sit with your child and actually have them share their text messages and social media content with you. I remember a conversation where our oldest actually confided that someone had texted her and she had no idea how to reply and we were able to talk through it together.)
- Impulse control – use social media as a way to connect and encourage
- What to do if you see something or someone sends you something that makes you feel uncomfortable – or sets off your sensors: screenshot, send to mom and/or dad, and immediately delete.
- Time Limits: social media and gaming compete for our kids time -set limits on when and the length of time that is acceptable for use
- Browsing history, text messages and other communication should not be deleted.
- App purchases must be approved by mom or dad.
- All passwords must be shared.
- Social media contacts must be approved by mom/dad.
*Two things to note: as parents, if we do not understand how to use an app/website, etc., it becomes our responsibility to learn once we give your child access. This list seems long and very restrictive. It felt that way when we first rolled it out, both to us and to our kids. The goal is not to stalk our children online. It is to protect them and to teach them to have a safe and healthy online presence. It is much easier to release responsibility slowly than it is to have to take it back after something unfavorable has occurred.
There are great websites online that help educate parents on popular apps. There are also different internet blockers you can add to the wifi in your house so you control what websites your child can access. One book that was a great resource to our family was Right Click. It has since been updated and I have not yet read the new edition. If you are looking for another resource to help support your journey, I would recommend checking out Every Parents Guide to Navigating the Digital World.
ALSO – please download this free resource below and see if it is a good tool for your family. We used a version very similar to this with our kids.
*In some instances, our children are exposed to things online, in-spite of carefully placed boundaries and monitoring. Please know, if this is your families, story, you are not alone. I encourage to fight hard to let God’s grace cover the situation as you determine the best next steps for your family. I would also encourage you to consider reaching out to a professional counselor, someone at your church or even a guidance counselor at school. Encouragement and healing can be found.