Four and a half months in to a very different way of life and it is still too early to know for sure what long term impacts this season will have on the mental health of our kids. Every expert that I follow is echoing the same thing. Kids, are struggling with fear and anxiety like never before. Some will feel the impacts for a long while to come. Sharing today, seven things I am learning about how to prevent fear and anxiety from overtaking kids.
Kids are sensitive to what is happening around them and fear and anxiety are at an all-time high.
Here is a little bit of our present reality. Some kids are afraid of dying, others are afraid of their parents or other loved ones dying and even more are afraid of what will happen if they have to go to the hospital. Older kids are fearful of the impact this season will have on their schooling, and whether they will be forced to miss milestone events. Separation anxiety is reaching new levels as it is now not just toddlers who feel anxious about being separated from their parents.
The Data:
It is too early to fully know the impact Covid-19 will have on the mental health of our kids.
According to the American Psychological Association, 12-20% of children already meet the criteria for anxiety disorder in any given year. We can anticipate even higher numbers of kids to experience heightened fear and anxiety due to this season.
If you are like me, those statistics are motivation to try to DO SOMETHING to give our kids the opportunity to beat the odds.
7 Things I’m Learning About How to Prevent Fear and Anxiety from Overtaking Kids
1. Be a thermostat, not a thermometer.
This is a leadership principle that encourages leaders to set the culture and tone for their team. It applies to inside our homes as well. Thermometers are like a squeaky wheel. They alert you when there is a temperature problem. A thermostat SETS the temperature.
Rather than ‘reacting’ to everything that is happening, we have to choose to SET the tone and climate inside our home.
We can choose to let the news, the updated statistics, or anything else outside our control; drive our attitude, our conversations and our emotions down a negative spiral. Or, we can take control over what we allow to fuel our perspective and emotions. This is how we say it in our house…
Control your emotions instead of letting them control you.
2. Fear and Anxiety are Contagious just like germs.
I remember having a conversation a few years back with some parents and their child. It was sensitive in nature. The mom was recounting some things and her child abruptly interrupted to remind her…’that’s not what you said…remember you told dad ________.’ (What their child shared, was NOT AT ALL something the parents would have chosen to have shared.) They learned the hard way that ‘kids are ALWAYS listening.’
Our kids are listening, and they will ‘catch’ whatever we are spreading. So many have experienced massive loss in this season. The future in many ways, is incredibly uncertain. Everything, however, is not catastrophic.
Choose to function from a place of wisdom, calmness and a positive perspective and you will find that is what will spread to your kids.
3. Read them BEFORE you Lead Them.
One of the analogies I have heard used is about a doctor and a stethoscope. The doctor uses the stethoscope to listen to the heart BEFORE a diagnosis is given.
Likewise, we need to listen to our kid’s hearts. Depending on their age, we may need to ask questions to get more information or even provide some language to help them express their thoughts or feelings. We risk missing an opportunity to help support them with whatever they are navigating if we talk or make pre-determinations before we listen.
Their feelings are valid and need to be heard.
4. Anticipate and Act.
Recently I saw a viral video of a three-year-old girl. Her parents had just explained to her that they could not leave their house because they do not want to spread germs. This precious girl was BESIDE herself crying.
Mostly she was crying over the ice cream truck being shut down. She loves ice cream. Especially the kind with the gum in the bottom. Now everything in the world is shut down and nobody can go anywhere.
It was a glimpse into the reality of this season that EVERY person who has the capability to think and feel is being impacted.
Rather than wait to see fear or anxiety rear its head in our kids, we can anticipate HOW what may cause a negative impact (or invoke fear/anxiety) and ACT in advance of it. A five-year-old may not be able to communicate feelings of loneliness and isolation. We can anticipate that they are (or could begin to) feeling that way and find a work around to try to compensate for the loss.
5. Truth helps Overcome Fear & Anxiety.
It is crucial to be honest with our kids, about things that are ‘certain’ and that they need to know. We have found ourselves responding to many questions about school as we inch towards the first day. Our go to phrase has become: no matter what it will be ok, we will get through it together and we promise to give you the information that you need when we know for sure.
School reopening plans are impacting many households in this season. Parents, every update that you receive about potential school re-opening details does not need to be shared with your kids. Kids thrive with consistency and stability. We risk putting our kids on an emotional rollercoaster ride when we bring uncertainty to the front of their minds . Filter the information and share details: (1) that are solidified and not just ‘possibilities’ and (2) that your kids need to know.
Speculating about things that may never happen can cause unnecessary fear and anxiety.
Combat fear with the TRUTH.
- Many people have gotten the virus and felt normal and did not even know they had it.
- You (or mom or dad, etc), have been sick before and recovered
- Digital learning was challenging, and you made it through. You can do hard things, even when you don’t want to.
- It won’t be like this forever.
We have a letter board in our kitchen that we change out every week or so. This season we rotate Bible verses. If we can help our kids write truth on their hearts, it will be there for when they need it.
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”
Psalm 56:3
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
philippians 4:6-7
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
joshua 1:9
6. Kids NEED relationships.
Don’t undervalue the importance of relationships in a kid’s life. Social isolation is going to contribute to fear and anxiety. Kids, tweens and teens ALL need to feel connected to the people in their circle.
A couple of my friends set up ‘virtual playdates’ with their kids. They login to facetime at each of their homes. The kids bring their toys on the floor next to the device and they ‘virtually’ play. NO, it is not the same as when they saw each other every weekend at church. But, YES, it is beneficial, and brings a sense of normalcy which can help reduce fear and anxiety.
7. Exercise is one of the best, FREE tools.
Our son loves baseball. He made the JV baseball team at his school this Spring, as a 7th grader. It was a significant loss to him when the season was cut short due to lockdown. He was determined to continue to work hard. Many days he would hit around 300 baseballs into the net in our garage.
He slowly lost his momentum and eventually refused to even touch the ball. This, along with some other signs, was a HUGE indicator that he was shutting down internally.
Guess what? We MADE HIM EXERCISE.
We made him choose an activity, outside to get his endorphins going. (He chose baseball.) It was so beneficial for him that afterwards he acknowledged that he actually felt so much better when he finished.
Exercise is part of the regular routine now. It does not change the present reality of our circumstances, but it most definitely increases our ability to navigate this reality from a healthier mental place. (Athlete or not, exercise has proven benefits to help young people lower stress and psychological distress. Check out this article for more information.)
These ideas & strategies are from my own personal research, experience as an educator, a family ministry leader and a parent. If at any point, you face significant challenges about how to prevent fear and anxiety from overtaking your kids, PLEASE involve a professional that can help address your concerns. It can feel difficult to invite someone into the sacred places of your family, but the individualized strategies you will learn can be life-changing.
Also, make sure you don’t miss the FREE RESOURCE I linked in the article HERE. It includes questions and positive responses that you can use when talking to your kids. I hope it is helpful!