Unfortunately, grief and loss are something that no one, not even children, are immune too. At some point, there is a distinct possibility, we will either walk our own kids through pain and grief, or we will be a support for a friend or family member, as they do. In the event that you ever find yourself in this position, I am sharing some insights and strategies here that may be valuable tools in helping kids cope with grief and pain.
In the event that you happened upon this article while you are currently walking your kids through a season of grief; I just want to say that I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring. My hope, even in this writing, is that you will be surrounded by community. That, if you also are walking through a season of grief, that others will be present for you so that you will know with assurance that you are not alone.
You are not alone in your pain.
Grief Defined
The definition of grief is ‘deep sorrow.’ Deep sorrow can be a result of a child experiencing the loss of a loved one. Deep sorrow, or grief, is not however, limited to that single scenario. A broken friendship or relationship, being denied an opportunity for a sports team, the long-term absence of a trusted teacher or confident, or even the upheaval of a routine or life that they love.
Grief can impact a child anytime they feel the loss of something that felt valuable to them.
The most important thing we can do is to be observant and mindful of any behaviors that seem to be atypical for the child.
Expect the Unexpected
What can we expect grief to look like? It will be different for each child based on their age, their ability to process information and their personality. Generally speaking, the following are some of the observable indications:
- increased tiredness
- need for increased physical closeness to parent or caregiver
- irritability
- anger
- deep sadness
- inability to express feelings
- intense verbal or emotional response
- bad dreams
- withdrawal from friends
- academic challenges
- lack of focus
- questions & need for details
There is not a one-size-fits-all for how grief displays itself.
It’s important to realize that there is not going to be a one-size-fits-all for how grief displays itself in kids. Even kids in the same family can respond and process the same loss – differently. Some kids will bottle things in; just because they are not outwardly displaying their grief does not mean it is not present.
Once again, one of the best positions we can take has we help kids cope with grief, is to stay observant and use discernment. Be mindful of any behaviors that are atypical for the child.
Helping Kids Cope with Grief
There are some basic strategies that parents, caregivers, teachers, church leaders and others can use to support and help kids cope. This is not an all-inclusive list but is a great starting point.
- Early, consistent bedtime
- Talk often
- Ask the right questions
- Create a momento that focuses on positive memories
- Give them words for their emotions (help them label what they are feeling)
- Verbal reassurance – be pro-active and anticipate their fears or concerns
- Acknowledge & validate pain & feelings
- Honor their Bravery (look for diff word than honor)
- Shift their focus.
- Have them rate their feelings (How are you today, on a scale of 1-10?)
- Be honest, empathetic & comforting (consider age-appropriateness when answering questions)
- Avoid false promises
- Don’t attempt to fix or find answers.
- Be present. Sit with them in their pain.
- Model healthy coping strategies for them, (especially important if they are observing you walk through grief as well)
It is wise to inform teachers, church leaders, coaches and anyone that interacts with the child on a regular basis.
Grace and support from community are valuable in a season of grief.
Don’t discount the support of a professional who is trained in play therapy or who have experience walking kids or teens through grief. Not only can they support the child, they can provide valuable training to help equip you as you help your child cope with grief. You are not expected to automatically know how to walk your child through loss.
I listened to a conversation recently focused on supporting kids through mental health challenges. One of the ideas I loved, was the concept of making Community Care a part of your family. This idea of community care applies to walking through grief as well. Look for avenues to bring in extra support. This can include guidance counselors, pastors, ministry leaders and trained counselors or mental health professions.
Don’t Journey Alone
We are better together and there is no reason to journey through something like grief or loss alone. I wanted to share some resources below that you may find helpful. And keep the idea of Community Care in the front of your mind!
Child Mind Institute has some great resources available for different concerns that may arise in the life of a child. Please check out their website for some resources that may be a good support to you.
Books for Children:
Because the loss of a loved one is a great source of grief for children and families, I wanted to share some resources. These books are written from a biblical perspective. They can be found on amazon or other book retailers. I will include a brief description next to each book.
Someone I Love Died by Christine Harder Tangvald
- This book provides question starters to engage the child and opportunities right inside the book for them to express their thoughts. Recommend for elementary school and possibly older preschool age children. This book is intentionally written to help process the grief that follows the loss of a loved one.
God Gave Us Heaven by Lisa Tawn Bergren
- This book talks about Heaven. It paints a picture that is appropriate for preschoolers and younger elementary age children on what Heaven is like. It can be a good tool to use when helping a child cope with grief but also serves as a great conversation starter about Heaven, even for children who are not processing the loss of a loved one.
Special encouragement for parents:
Providing the best possible care for your child is directly correlated to the way you take care of yourself. In the event of the loss of a loved one, you may be grieving and processing simultaneously with your child. Do not suppress your grief in an effort to support your child. Community care is critical for the entire family. Invite others into your community as you navigate this season.
Please do not sit alone in your grief or pain.
Special encouragement for those helping kids or families cope with grief:
It can be challenging to just ‘sit’ with someone when you feel as if you should have words and answers to help. (If I am being honest, I have not always done the sitting with someone part well.) It is OK to not have the answers. In fact, often ‘sitting someone in their grief’ requires us to use few words besides I’m sorry, you are not alone, I am here for you however you need me.’
Caring for and even pastoring a child or family is not the same thing as therapy with a professional. They serve different purposes. One of the best acts of love and concern may be to refer families to a professional that is trained to offer emotional and mental health support. We can show up as their community and sit with them in their pain and allow the trained professional to help them process their grief in an appropriate way.
This can help prevent us from saying the wrong words or steering them unintentionally in a direction that causes more pain.
If you have additional resources or strategies for helping kids cope with grief, I would love to know. Feel free to leave a comment or email me through the Contact me form.
This is the second post in a series of posts on supporting kids. If you missed the first post, The Church’s Response to Kids In Crisis, you can check it out here. Don’t forget to join the list below and share this post with your circle!